I have been real concerned with what the Left has been calling the Republican War on Women (or as I call it WOW). The main concern is that no one has defined what we get when we win the war. I mean, come on is there any doubt that we will win a war against women? The only two defensive moves that they have is that windmill slap thing they do with their arms and crying. They suck at war and have weak upper body strength, but they don’t really have anything valuable like oil that we can steal when we win. So, what is the end result of the WOW?
Well now that the Republican National Convention is over I can reveal the answer. My sources have sent me the list of the terms we will hand women once we win the war we have declared on them. I trust these sources completely (after all these are the exact same dudes that told Harry Reid about Romney not paying his taxes so it is legit). They assure me that the surrender will be complete and unconditional on the part of our enemy. We are even going to make them sign the treaty on our home turf of the hardware department at Sears. So without further ado here are the 10 things we will get by winning the War On Women.
10. Victoria’s Secret will be declassified.
9. Sandwich making on demand.
8. Women will be limited to three pairs of shoes and will be required to be barefoot when entering the kitchen.
7. No more complaining about the toilet seat being left up. In fact we get to complain if you leave it down.
6. Women will now have to kill their own spiders and insects.
5. Rosie O’Donnell must have a sex change operation so we can kick her in the junk.
4. Full admission that PMS is not real and is just used as an excuse to yell at us without us being unable to do anything about it.
3. Removal of Lifetime, Oxygen, OWN, Bravo and its surrogates from television and replaced by channels featuring only supermodels doing things like hunting and fishing.
2. Every chick flick must contain at least a car chase or explosion.
1. Shutting up during the NFL Game of the Week.
Now some of you out there may think this is all silly and that there is not really a War On Women. For you doubters I suggest you ask the following women if there is not really a war on them:
Sarah Palin, Paula Jones, Ann Coulter, Ann Romney, Juanita Broderick, Kathleen Willey, Michelle Malkin, Condoleezza Rice, Nikki Haley, Christine O’Donnell, Michelle Bachman, Mia Love, and well you get the idea.
Now if you will all excuse me, I have to go make my own sandwich, but I look forward to the day when we defeat women and finally get them to make our sandwiches.
Awesometific American 