Archive for the ‘Random Madness’ Category

I really want my blog to be about more than me being snarky about politics and ranting about stuff. I want to be positive about things and help others. So in that vein let me start by being helpful. It will make life happier for everyone involved.

STOP TRYING TO BLACKMAIL ME OVER FACEBOOK!!

You see every so often one of my friends on Facebook will post one of those “Hey Facebook, this post means you can’t steal my privacy! By posting this you can’t use anything I post to make a profit off of something you are letting me use for free! Heck, I don’t pay a dime to use this wonderful bit of technology that would make folks 20 years ago at the dawn of the internet scream “Jumping Jehoshaphat, what have we created! We made this thing to share information not duck faced selfies and high scores in Farmville! Please shoot me now in penance for what we have done!” So yeah, by posting this there is nothing legally Facebook can do because I have found a loophole based on US Code 867-5309 that somehow their army of lawyers forgot. So I don’t want anyone violating my privacy on Facebook.”

Now that really doesn’t bother me as much as the thing they always use at the end of it. It usually goes something like this:

“Now post this in your status so I can see it. If I don’t I will unfriend you faster than you can say Candy Crush”

That is the part I don’t like. It makes me want to scream. I mean the first part i just shake my head and laugh. If you think you can have privacy on the Internet then you really shouldn’t be on the internet. The internet was not created for privacy. It was created with an idea that anything and everything can be and should be shareable. Here is the best privacy tip I can ever give anyone. If you want something to stay private, DO NOT PUT IT ON THE INTERNET! Listen anything you put on Facebook is open to the public and by posting something about obscure laws or adjusting a “privacy” setting to protect the picture of your birthday dinner at Applebee’s is absurd. But if it makes you feel better go ahead and post it, it is Facebook after all and Lord knows I have posted stupid stuff on Facebook.

However it is that last part that really galls me. You see, I don’t friend everyone in creation on Facebook. If you are one of my under 200 friends you are there because I actually like you and care when your cat has kittens, or when your son makes the little league team, or when you post that YouTube video of a dog barking at a mirror. That is what I adore about you. My friends of Facebook don’t follow lock step in what I believe. I have lefties, righties, Christian, Atheist, Old, Young, Gay, Straight, Rich, Poor, Famous and Obscure. If I am your friend I love you for who you are and each of you are special enough that I want to read about the minutia of your lives.

I never, ever paste and repost one of those comments. This applies to not just the ones about Facebook Privacy, but even the ones that tell me to post something and if I don’t then I don’t love Jesus, or I want some kid to get cancer, or you are doing it because you think no one ever reads your post and you are doing it to find out who your true friends are.

Listen. I love Jesus, I hope no kid ever gets cancer, and the fact that I haven’t unfriended you should be all the sign you need to know that I still love you.

So, stop trying to threaten me. Accept the fact that you have no Privacy on Facebook especially in an era when a 12 year old with a script can hack your bank account and the NSA listens to your phone calls and just relax.

Now if you will excuse me someone just posted a link on how to make toothpaste using common household items so I can stop spending $3.79 a tube and just spend $15.00 on all the ingredients to make it myself.

I have been thinking a lot about the future. Right now I have a job, but I am looking for a second one. However I have to have a goal beyond just wanting a job.

My favorite website is IMAO. It’s founder Frank J (blogger, twitterer, author, and raconteur) has put his hat in the ring for President in 2016. His basic philosophy is that Presidents should have awesome power but do absolutely nothing with it. Also he believes that the United States should be defended by Dinosaurs with imbedded rocket launchers and we have the science to accomplish it. So over all he is the perfect leader.

Well I want in on this. Now most fawning sycophants would try and butter Frank J. up for either a Vice President slot or even a cabinet position. Those that would try and do that will not understand what a Frank J. presidency is all about. So I want to throw my hat in the ring that in a Frank J. administration I want to be the United States Ambassador to the United Nations.

I would be an excellent Ambassador. I understand fully what the function and purpose of the United Nations is and will do everything I can as the representative of the greatest nation on the planet to make sure the UN stays on mission. What is that mission? We it is basically a forum where nations of the world can ineffectively shake their fists at us and call us names without really doing harm to our goals and agendas. They get to complain and feel good that they got all snotty with us and we didn’t strike them down with our Olympian like powers. However, previous and present Presidents and Ambassadors have allowed the UN to actually accomplish things that harm our country. I will set things right.

How can I accomplish that? Well it is simple and let me give you some examples.

1.       The Kinison Doctrine

Whenever a country starts chastising us and telling us how to run our stuff I will simply invoke the ultimate trump card of our awesomeness.

“So you think the United States should not do X and that country X is has some sort of moral equivalency to us? I tell you what, you think your country is the bees knees, well (cue power point image of the moon) there is the moon, go up there and bring our flag back! Oh and since we already did the hard work of figuring out how to get there and back in the Dark Ages of the 1960’s and I am sure your backward country has stolen that info we are going to up the difficulty level a bit. Once you launch your rocket to the moon we are going to shoot missiles at it. If for some reason we miss and you survive the trip to the moon and back we will shoot missiles at the return vehicle. If you survive that and have your astronaut march in here with our flag the US will proclaim you awesome and listen to what you have to say. If you can’t do that then sit down and shut up!”

2.       Opposite Day Every Day

Did you know that the every permanent member of the UN Security Council  (US, Britian, Russia, France and China) has veto power. Yes, that means that if one of those countries vote’s NO on an issue no matter how many vote yes then it does not pass. So my plan is that anything that Russia, France or China votes YES on then I will automatically vote NO. Typically smart things that the US votes for one of those three vote NO on just to be jerks. I really don’t care if it is a good idea or not, the UN is not about good ideas, I am going to vote opposite of anyone one of those three countries.

“So we are voting to ban the use of landmines because goats keep blowing themselves up. Ok what did France vote on that? Yes? Ok then my vote is NO. Everyone keeps their landmines.”

Simple.

3.       Move the UN out of New York

We were pretty generous when we set up the UN with some prime New York real estate and basically pay for them to live there. They have perfectly good facilities in Geneva and since they can’t stand America or Americans then close up shop in NY and go back. My wife loves chocolate anyway and would love getting some good Swiss Chocolate. So my plan is to ask for President Frank for a couple hundred U-Haul trucks and park them outside of the UN. Let them know that we have stopped paying the light bill and they have until the end of the day to get all their crap out of the building because by tomorrow morning the entire place will be an Indian Casino and I plan on watching a Jeff Dunham show there by the following evening. Achmed cracks me up.

4.       Foreign Aid to be determined by Wipeout.

You know that show where contestants run a wacky obstacle course and bounce off those huge inflatable balls and fall into cold water for a shot at $50,000 bucks? Well imagine what some country’s ambassador would do for a shot at one billion dollars! If you want money from us you have to jump through some hoops and entertain us in the process. The winner gets the Aid package as well as having to sign a document stating how awesome American is and how crappy their country is to have to come a beg us for money. The document will be written in English and whatever language they speak so there will be none of that “Well I said America is Awesome in English, but America is Sucky in my native tongue” nonsense. We have caught onto that trick and will stop pretending we know about it. So you want to beg money from us, no more acting like you deserve the money.

 

So there it is., my application for Ambassador to the UN in the Frank J. Administration. Worthy of a place at the John Bolton Institute of International Diplomacy.

 

Frank J. 2016: Nuke the Moon!

IMAO Award

Posted: September 10, 2009 in Fun, Random Madness
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I am a big fan of the site IMAO. They are sorta the inspiration to motivate me to start my own blog (after all if Frank J. could do it I should be able to.)

A while back they put out a call to honor their site with numerous and meaningless awards. So I obliged them and sent in this:

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In return for my benevolence they sent me this award:

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So today, in honor of my move to Word Press I have decided to give them another award for their consistent dedication to awesome:

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Good job guys and thank you for teh funny!

10 Trivial Things

Posted: September 10, 2009 in Fun, Random Madness
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Here is a list of 10 trivial things that most people do not know about me. Just about everyone of them has an interesting story behind it. This information doesn’t really do much to edify or funny up the blog, just something to give you all some thought.

  1. I never went to Kindergarten.
  2. I was not legally an adult when I joined the Marines.
  3. I always wanted to host my own late night TV talk show.
  4. I once broke the windshield of my car by punching it.
  5. I know the lyrics to both the opening and the ending of the Beverly Hillbillies and Gilligan’s Island.
  6. I have mild anxiety about talking on the telephone.
  7. My biggest fear is to be paralyzed from the neck down.
  8. As a teenager I almost died.
  9. I wanted to set a world record for having the largest collection of unique business cards.
  10. The strangest thing I have ever eating was squid tentacle on a stick.