Archive for the ‘Fun’ Category

I have been thinking a lot about the future. Right now I have a job, but I am looking for a second one. However I have to have a goal beyond just wanting a job.

My favorite website is IMAO. It’s founder Frank J (blogger, twitterer, author, and raconteur) has put his hat in the ring for President in 2016. His basic philosophy is that Presidents should have awesome power but do absolutely nothing with it. Also he believes that the United States should be defended by Dinosaurs with imbedded rocket launchers and we have the science to accomplish it. So over all he is the perfect leader.

Well I want in on this. Now most fawning sycophants would try and butter Frank J. up for either a Vice President slot or even a cabinet position. Those that would try and do that will not understand what a Frank J. presidency is all about. So I want to throw my hat in the ring that in a Frank J. administration I want to be the United States Ambassador to the United Nations.

I would be an excellent Ambassador. I understand fully what the function and purpose of the United Nations is and will do everything I can as the representative of the greatest nation on the planet to make sure the UN stays on mission. What is that mission? We it is basically a forum where nations of the world can ineffectively shake their fists at us and call us names without really doing harm to our goals and agendas. They get to complain and feel good that they got all snotty with us and we didn’t strike them down with our Olympian like powers. However, previous and present Presidents and Ambassadors have allowed the UN to actually accomplish things that harm our country. I will set things right.

How can I accomplish that? Well it is simple and let me give you some examples.

1.       The Kinison Doctrine

Whenever a country starts chastising us and telling us how to run our stuff I will simply invoke the ultimate trump card of our awesomeness.

“So you think the United States should not do X and that country X is has some sort of moral equivalency to us? I tell you what, you think your country is the bees knees, well (cue power point image of the moon) there is the moon, go up there and bring our flag back! Oh and since we already did the hard work of figuring out how to get there and back in the Dark Ages of the 1960’s and I am sure your backward country has stolen that info we are going to up the difficulty level a bit. Once you launch your rocket to the moon we are going to shoot missiles at it. If for some reason we miss and you survive the trip to the moon and back we will shoot missiles at the return vehicle. If you survive that and have your astronaut march in here with our flag the US will proclaim you awesome and listen to what you have to say. If you can’t do that then sit down and shut up!”

2.       Opposite Day Every Day

Did you know that the every permanent member of the UN Security Council  (US, Britian, Russia, France and China) has veto power. Yes, that means that if one of those countries vote’s NO on an issue no matter how many vote yes then it does not pass. So my plan is that anything that Russia, France or China votes YES on then I will automatically vote NO. Typically smart things that the US votes for one of those three vote NO on just to be jerks. I really don’t care if it is a good idea or not, the UN is not about good ideas, I am going to vote opposite of anyone one of those three countries.

“So we are voting to ban the use of landmines because goats keep blowing themselves up. Ok what did France vote on that? Yes? Ok then my vote is NO. Everyone keeps their landmines.”

Simple.

3.       Move the UN out of New York

We were pretty generous when we set up the UN with some prime New York real estate and basically pay for them to live there. They have perfectly good facilities in Geneva and since they can’t stand America or Americans then close up shop in NY and go back. My wife loves chocolate anyway and would love getting some good Swiss Chocolate. So my plan is to ask for President Frank for a couple hundred U-Haul trucks and park them outside of the UN. Let them know that we have stopped paying the light bill and they have until the end of the day to get all their crap out of the building because by tomorrow morning the entire place will be an Indian Casino and I plan on watching a Jeff Dunham show there by the following evening. Achmed cracks me up.

4.       Foreign Aid to be determined by Wipeout.

You know that show where contestants run a wacky obstacle course and bounce off those huge inflatable balls and fall into cold water for a shot at $50,000 bucks? Well imagine what some country’s ambassador would do for a shot at one billion dollars! If you want money from us you have to jump through some hoops and entertain us in the process. The winner gets the Aid package as well as having to sign a document stating how awesome American is and how crappy their country is to have to come a beg us for money. The document will be written in English and whatever language they speak so there will be none of that “Well I said America is Awesome in English, but America is Sucky in my native tongue” nonsense. We have caught onto that trick and will stop pretending we know about it. So you want to beg money from us, no more acting like you deserve the money.

 

So there it is., my application for Ambassador to the UN in the Frank J. Administration. Worthy of a place at the John Bolton Institute of International Diplomacy.

 

Frank J. 2016: Nuke the Moon!

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I have been real concerned with what the Left has been calling the Republican War on Women (or as I call it WOW). The main concern is that no one has defined what we get when we win the war. I mean, come on is there any doubt that we will win a war against women? The only two defensive moves that they have is that windmill slap thing they do with their arms and crying. They suck at war and have weak upper body strength, but they don’t really have anything valuable like oil that we can steal when we win. So, what is the end result of the WOW?

Well now that the Republican National Convention is over I can reveal the answer. My sources have sent me the list of the terms we will hand women once we win the war we have declared on them. I trust these sources completely (after all these are the exact same dudes that told Harry Reid about Romney not paying his taxes so it is legit). They assure me that the surrender will be complete and unconditional on the part of our enemy. We are even going to make them sign the treaty on our home turf of the hardware department at Sears.  So without further ado here are the 10 things we will get by winning the War On Women.

10. Victoria’s Secret will be declassified.

9. Sandwich making on demand.

8. Women will be limited to three pairs of shoes and will be required to be barefoot when entering the kitchen.

7.  No more complaining about the toilet seat being left up. In fact we get to complain if you leave it down.

6. Women will now have to kill their own spiders and insects.

5. Rosie O’Donnell must have a sex change operation so we can kick her in the junk.

4. Full admission that PMS is not real and is just used as an excuse to yell at us without us being unable to do anything about it.

3. Removal of Lifetime, Oxygen, OWN, Bravo and its surrogates from television and replaced by channels featuring only supermodels doing things like hunting and fishing.

2. Every chick flick must contain at least a car chase or explosion.

1. Shutting up during the NFL Game of the Week.

 

Now some of you out there may think this is all silly and that there is not really a War On Women. For you doubters I suggest you ask the following women if there is not really a war on them:

Sarah Palin, Paula Jones, Ann Coulter, Ann Romney, Juanita Broderick, Kathleen Willey, Michelle Malkin, Condoleezza Rice, Nikki Haley, Christine O’Donnell, Michelle Bachman, Mia Love, and well you get the idea.

 

Now if you will all excuse me, I have to go make my own sandwich, but I look forward to the day when we defeat women and finally get them to make our sandwiches.

What’s new, Honey?

Posted: January 12, 2012 in Fun
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Got some bad news this week sorta. Well we will know for sure on Monday if it was bad news or not. So instead of bringing everyone down with something that may or may not be bad I thought I would tell an old joke I know.

 

One day a woman looked out the window into her front yard and to her surprise she saw a donkey standing there. She immediately got her phone and called the City Animal Control. Within about an hour they showed up to take the donkey away. However, she ran out side and stopped the two men.

“Gentlemen,” she said, “I have changed my mind. I don’t want you to take that donkey away.”

The two men looked at each other with confused looks and one of them said to the lady.

“Well, what do you want us to do with it?”

“I would like for you to take that donkey and put it in the upstairs bathtub.”

If the two men were confused before they were certainly flabbergasted now. After a couple of minutes of disbelief one of the recovered enough to say.

“Ma’am, we can’t do that. Our job is to take them away.”

“I will give each of you two-hundred dollars if you take that donkey into my house, up the stairs and put it in the bathtub.”

Well the prospect of making 400 dollars between the both of them was to big to pass up. So the two men proceeded to push, pull and maneuver a donkey into this woman’s house and into the upstairs bathtub. Once the job was done the lady opened her pocketbook and gave each of the men two-hundred dollars as promised.

As they were leaving the house one of the men asked.

“Ma’am, I just have to know. Why on earth did you want that donkey in your upstairs bathtub?”

The lady smiled at the man.

“Son, I have been married to the same wonderful man for 42 years. Every night he comes home, takes off his shoes, gets the newspaper and sits down in his favorite chair. Every night he has done this without fail or variation. And every night for 42 years he looks up from his paper and says to me ‘What’s new, honey?’

“Tonight, I am going to tell him.”

 

Everyone is hyperventilating over the Scott Brown win in Massachusetts and the upcoming elections this year. I know everyone is also blaming the President for doing too much/not enough and messing/fixing everything up. However, if you really look at how our system of government is structured you will find that most of the blame/credit really falls on the shoulders of congress.

Our present Congress is not how our Founding Fathers envisioned it. If I remember correctly from 7th grade history (remember when they actually taught historical facts and not ‘context’ in schools) Congress took the British Parliament model and made some tweaks. The House of Representative where supposed to reflect the individual make up of the people of the states. Also depending on the census the number of Representatives that the state got to send could grow or shrink with the population. This way where there was more people that could be affected by a law they would have a greater say in the process.

Each state would get two senators. In the Senate each state would have equal representation and a lot more legislative power. Each Senator was to be appointed by the state, not general election. The Senate was to represent the will of the States while the House represented the will of the people. Everything was simple and pleasant. Things got done.

Somewhere along the line, as with most things government, things got all out of whack. The ultimate result is that either Congress gets nothing done, or whatever they do accomplish tends to crush things like Godzilla in Tokyo. So I think some fixing is in order and I have the perfect solution.

Step 1: The Senate- Each state still gets two Senators. However the must always be from different parties. Each state must send one Democrat and one Republican (Third parties don’t count, so all you libertarians fence sitters just take a hike.) That way there will always be an even number of Democrats and Republicans in the Senate and either party can’t ram stupid crap down our throats. Also if anything gets done they will have to cooperate to get the votes just like it was set up to do. This also makes the tie breaking VP vote more important. When it comes time to elect a president you would take who he picks as VP more seriously than the jokers we usually get.

Step 2: The House- OK, here it the big radical idea. No more elections for the House of Representatives. We were supposed to vote for Representatives that were the pillars of the community. People that reflected our values and had our interest at heart. Instead we tend to send people to the House mainly to keep them out of our communities. Well, no longer. Instead once every two years each state will go through the voter registration records and send out a Summons for Representative Duty. Just like Jury Duty you would have to go to your local court house and provide a reason why you are not eligible to serve as a State Representative. If you are picked then it is off to Washington for two years. Of course the state will pay for a place to stay while you are there, give you a per diem for meals, and 100 bucks a day for your service. This has to be cheaper than we pay them now. Heck even pass a law requiring your current employer to hold your job for you until you get back, just like Reserve Duty. Then guess what, after your two years you will never have to serve again! Isn’t that awesome.

So that is my idea. I really think this will solve a lot of problems so you are welcome. Now I have to go and figure out how to fix the Supreme Court.

People come up to me and say, “Derek, you are pretty funny. You should be a comedian.” I always laugh and say something funny to make them shake their heads and laugh as they walk away.

I have often thought about trying to become a comedian and actually get paid for the funny. There are several reasons, however, why I do not become a professional comedian.

1. I would lose my status as an amateur.

If someone would being to pay me for funny then would have to being competing at a professional level. I would not be able to compete in the Olympics or county fairs. My funny would have to be confined to paying events.

2. If someone was injured due to my joke being too funny I could be held liable.

Say I am at a swanky dinner party. I have just skewered the host with a witty remark. His aunt laughs right as she has her mouth around a cracker with caviar and starts to choke. She goes to the hospital and suffers injury. Guess who they would want to sue? That’s right the professional comedian. As a professional I should be able know when it was safe to tell a joke. Auntie would want a big fat check from me! As an amateur, I am just a funny guy and all she would get is an apology and a funny story to tell at the next party.

3. I would be expected to be funny all the time.

I bet Seinfeld gets hassled all the time in airports or on buses for jokes. Who needs that kind of pressure to be “on” constantly? Right now, if I am having a bad day, I can be grumpy all I want and nobody really cares. Well as a professional comedian if you have case of the Mondays the tabloids will be talking about you being on drugs or something. If you go to a funeral then guess what, they would want you to stand up and say something funny about poor dead Uncle Joe.

4. I can serve comedy fresh.

My jokes usually work in the spur of the moment. The spontaneity is what I live for. It gets gets the blood flowing and the heart pumping. It is such a rush to just drop a joke on someone as it pops into your head. Well, not so if you are a professional. You have to spend hours writing and crafting your funny. People are expecting your best all the time. They pay you good money for funny and by God, they don’t want nothing just off the cuff. Even if you do drop some spontaneous funny it will not be appreciated. “Is that part of your act?” they would ask.

I could go on and on about how much being a professional comedian would stink. Sure some of those guys make lots of money, have legions of adoring fans, make movies and star in television shows, but I can tell they would trade it all away just to be able to say, “How’s the weather up there?” to some tall guy they bump into on the street.

Nope, I wouldn’t trade my freedom of funny for all the sitcom roles in the world. So never fear and enjoy all my funny for free.

(If anyone would seriously like to pay me to be a comedian please send an email for my pay pal account. I also accept personal check and cold hard cash._

IMAO Award

Posted: September 10, 2009 in Fun, Random Madness
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I am a big fan of the site IMAO. They are sorta the inspiration to motivate me to start my own blog (after all if Frank J. could do it I should be able to.)

A while back they put out a call to honor their site with numerous and meaningless awards. So I obliged them and sent in this:

award2

In return for my benevolence they sent me this award:

imao-hap-175

So today, in honor of my move to Word Press I have decided to give them another award for their consistent dedication to awesome:

awardupdate

Good job guys and thank you for teh funny!

10 Trivial Things

Posted: September 10, 2009 in Fun, Random Madness
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Here is a list of 10 trivial things that most people do not know about me. Just about everyone of them has an interesting story behind it. This information doesn’t really do much to edify or funny up the blog, just something to give you all some thought.

  1. I never went to Kindergarten.
  2. I was not legally an adult when I joined the Marines.
  3. I always wanted to host my own late night TV talk show.
  4. I once broke the windshield of my car by punching it.
  5. I know the lyrics to both the opening and the ending of the Beverly Hillbillies and Gilligan’s Island.
  6. I have mild anxiety about talking on the telephone.
  7. My biggest fear is to be paralyzed from the neck down.
  8. As a teenager I almost died.
  9. I wanted to set a world record for having the largest collection of unique business cards.
  10. The strangest thing I have ever eating was squid tentacle on a stick.