Book Excerpts

Posted: October 4, 2012 in Uncategorized

A while back I started posting on Facebook a bunch of quotations from a book that did not exist. It was called The Untold Hazards of Living in a Fantasy World. Some folks thought it was a real book and then encouraged me to actually write the thing. Since writing a book is really hard I am working on a short story set in the world of the book called “Edwin and the Dragon of Bellamont”. As I am working on that I thought I would post all the the Facebook excerpts for your enjoyment.

Here they are:

“I stepped in unicorn poop!”

“If a fairy bites you, everyone thinks that is cute. Now if you squash said fairy like a bug for biting you, well suddenly you’re the monster.”

“As soon as I met him I realized that his sole usefulness to the group was to be fed to a bridge troll as payment if we ever encountered one on our journey.”

“One of the more difficult things to do in an enchanted forest was to find a tree to take a leak on that didn’t want to have a bloody conversation with you while doing so.”

“I asked the wizard, ‘Why do you always write your spell books in unpronounceable languages?’ He looked at me like I was a moron and said, ‘It is because most of you are too stupid to read from a book silently. Your kind always feels compelled to read out loud!”

“You would think that a princess would be jaw dropping beautiful. However the object of our quest that stood before me was somewhat…plain. However after spending a few weeks on the road with a dwarf, goblin, Minotaur and thousand year old wizard, you could forgive me for thinking she was the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on.”

“It was one thing to have to read someone’s tale of adventure. It was quite another thing to have to endure an actual adventure yourself.”

“Everything I had ever learned about wizards and their abilities was a lie. JK Rowling had a lot to answer for when I returned home.”

“What happened to Billy?”, she asked me. “He was eaten by a griffin on the road to Bellamont.” I replied. She looked at me in shock. So I tried to comfort her by telling her that stuff like that happened more often than one would think. I don’t think it helped.”

“Please take a much treasure as you want. You know, if we dragon’s had realized that hording all this stuff would make us a target for every thief and knight trying to make a name for themselves we would have just collected stamps instead.”

“No, it is the law that we provide one that is going on a quest with companions.” The king looked at the list he had been handed, “Oh dear! Are you sure that these are all that is available?” His aide nodded. “Well then,” he chuckled looking at me, “I am lucky that I have other daughters. Good luck to you.”

“As she began talking about us being married and ruling the kingdom together a panic rose up inside me. There had to be other kingdoms and other princesses that needed rescuing and here I was settling for the first one that came along.”

“As the enemy began their charge across the field I stood there with a shield on my arm and a sword in my hand. I felt my heart pound and each beat filled my chest with courage. I would meet the enemy and engage in a battle that would be sung about for generations after me. This is what it meant to be the hero. Fortunately my good sense kicked in and I dropped my sword and ran away, otherwise I doubt I would be here to tell you my tale.”

“Of course the castle would be far away with untold dangers between us and our goal. Silly me for thinking a land filled with imaginary creatures would have a sense of imagination.”

I thought about her question for a moment. “Why did I not like it there? It is like when you read a really good book that you love and someone makes it into a movie. They make changes, get things mixed up, leave the best stuff out and add things that were never there. Then you get all mad and have long arguments over the internet about it and then one day you realize you just can’t stand the thought of it anymore and throw the book away. That is what it was like. The reality of it ruined it for me.’”
“Even the elves?”, she asked.
“Especially the elves”

“The nutritional value of a maiden is the same as say, the village prostitute. However, when you are a 25 foot long beast of fiery, flying death you get to be picky about what you will and will not eat.”

  1. Steph says:

    Love it!
    So glad you posted this for the facebook-less among your admirers.
    Now get to work on that book!

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