What’s new, Honey?

Got some bad news this week sorta. Well we will know for sure on Monday if it was bad news or not. So instead of bringing everyone down with something that may or may not be bad I thought I would tell an old joke I know.

 

One day a woman looked out the window into her front yard and to her surprise she saw a donkey standing there. She immediately got her phone and called the City Animal Control. Within about an hour they showed up to take the donkey away. However, she ran out side and stopped the two men.

“Gentlemen,” she said, “I have changed my mind. I don’t want you to take that donkey away.”

The two men looked at each other with confused looks and one of them said to the lady.

“Well, what do you want us to do with it?”

“I would like for you to take that donkey and put it in the upstairs bathtub.”

If the two men were confused before they were certainly flabbergasted now. After a couple of minutes of disbelief one of the recovered enough to say.

“Ma’am, we can’t do that. Our job is to take them away.”

“I will give each of you two-hundred dollars if you take that donkey into my house, up the stairs and put it in the bathtub.”

Well the prospect of making 400 dollars between the both of them was to big to pass up. So the two men proceeded to push, pull and maneuver a donkey into this woman’s house and into the upstairs bathtub. Once the job was done the lady opened her pocketbook and gave each of the men two-hundred dollars as promised.

As they were leaving the house one of the men asked.

“Ma’am, I just have to know. Why on earth did you want that donkey in your upstairs bathtub?”

The lady smiled at the man.

“Son, I have been married to the same wonderful man for 42 years. Every night he comes home, takes off his shoes, gets the newspaper and sits down in his favorite chair. Every night he has done this without fail or variation. And every night for 42 years he looks up from his paper and says to me ‘What’s new, honey?’

“Tonight, I am going to tell him.”

 

And the number is…

321.

That is how much I weigh in pounds. So that gives me a target weight of 221 lbs to get to at the end of the year.

However according to various charts and graphs the ideal weight for a person my height and build is around 150 lbs.

Still my target for this year is 100 lbs to lose and that is what I am shooting for. Maybe 150 will be my goal for 2013.

321 is a sobering thought. I am twice the man I am supposed to be. It is the equivalent of carrying a complete person around on my body. No wonder I hurt so much.

Well, now I know where I am starting from and where I need to be. All I have to do is get there.

The Starting Point

Tomorrow I go back to work since the holidays. At work we have a nice scale like you would find in the doctor’s office. That is what I am going to use for to find out what my weight is so I can officially keep count. I have a scale at home but it only goes up to 300lbs (same with the scale at Publix) so if the scale goes past that I don’t trust the accuracy of it.

When I was at Ikea just before Christmas they had some digital scales. I stepped on it and it said 325lbs. However I will be using the one at work because I go there more than Ikea.

Also our company starts this year doing something called Virgin Health Miles. I am going to sign up for that.

So tomorrow evening I will be able to tell you all what my starting weight will be so we all know where the eventual goal will lead.

100 in 1

I am fat.

Not overweight, big boned, or heavy.

Not husky, fluffy, or fun sized.

Fat.

No way around it. It started toward the end of my time in the Marines. Once I stopped the mandatory exercise and God awful morning runs my natural laziness kicked in and I spent the next 20 years getting fat.

Now I am tired of it.

I am tired of finding comfortable clothes that after washing a couple of times shrink and are no longer comfortable. Tired of my feet, legs and knees hurting so much at the end of the day. Tired of the fatigue. Just tired of it.

So starting January 1st I am making changes. I realize that I cannot undue years of damage overnight and this is going to be a long battle. As I go through this I want to enlist the help of others. Help hold me accountable. I am going to chronicle the ups and downs of this struggle. The bottom line is that this is not something I want to do, I have no choice to do it. I have a family that depends on me and at the rate I am going the future is not good.

So there it is. 100 pounds in the 1 year’s time. You will all have front row seats. So do not hesitate to ask me how it is going, encourage me to keep going, call me out when I feel like giving up. I go this way by myself, but it will take others to help me get out of it.

This is not a resolution, it is a rescue.

Under Renovation. New Launch 1-1-12

I am in the middle of cleaning this site up and preparing for a relaunch at the new year. I have been working through some things and will be doing something pretty radical for me. You all are invited to follow me on this journey.

So bear with me as I change the settings around here. I also deleted a bunch of post and kept only a few that I think are worth saving.

100 in 1

My Idea for Hope and Change

Everyone is hyperventilating over the Scott Brown win in Massachusetts and the upcoming elections this year. I know everyone is also blaming the President for doing too much/not enough and messing/fixing everything up. However, if you really look at how our system of government is structured you will find that most of the blame/credit really falls on the shoulders of congress.

Our present Congress is not how our Founding Fathers envisioned it. If I remember correctly from 7th grade history (remember when they actually taught historical facts and not ‘context’ in schools) Congress took the British Parliament model and made some tweaks. The House of Representative where supposed to reflect the individual make up of the people of the states. Also depending on the census the number of Representatives that the state got to send could grow or shrink with the population. This way where there was more people that could be affected by a law they would have a greater say in the process.

Each state would get two senators. In the Senate each state would have equal representation and a lot more legislative power. Each Senator was to be appointed by the state, not general election. The Senate was to represent the will of the States while the House represented the will of the people. Everything was simple and pleasant. Things got done.

Somewhere along the line, as with most things government, things got all out of whack. The ultimate result is that either Congress gets nothing done, or whatever they do accomplish tends to crush things like Godzilla in Tokyo. So I think some fixing is in order and I have the perfect solution.

Step 1: The Senate- Each state still gets two Senators. However the must always be from different parties. Each state must send one Democrat and one Republican (Third parties don’t count, so all you libertarians fence sitters just take a hike.) That way there will always be an even number of Democrats and Republicans in the Senate and either party can’t ram stupid crap down our throats. Also if anything gets done they will have to cooperate to get the votes just like it was set up to do. This also makes the tie breaking VP vote more important. When it comes time to elect a president you would take who he picks as VP more seriously than the jokers we usually get.

Step 2: The House- OK, here it the big radical idea. No more elections for the House of Representatives. We were supposed to vote for Representatives that were the pillars of the community. People that reflected our values and had our interest at heart. Instead we tend to send people to the House mainly to keep them out of our communities. Well, no longer. Instead once every two years each state will go through the voter registration records and send out a Summons for Representative Duty. Just like Jury Duty you would have to go to your local court house and provide a reason why you are not eligible to serve as a State Representative. If you are picked then it is off to Washington for two years. Of course the state will pay for a place to stay while you are there, give you a per diem for meals, and 100 bucks a day for your service. This has to be cheaper than we pay them now. Heck even pass a law requiring your current employer to hold your job for you until you get back, just like Reserve Duty. Then guess what, after your two years you will never have to serve again! Isn’t that awesome.

So that is my idea. I really think this will solve a lot of problems so you are welcome. Now I have to go and figure out how to fix the Supreme Court.

Why I am not a professional comedian.

People come up to me and say, “Derek, you are pretty funny. You should be a comedian.” I always laugh and say something funny to make them shake their heads and laugh as they walk away.

I have often thought about trying to become a comedian and actually get paid for the funny. There are several reasons, however, why I do not become a professional comedian.

1. I would lose my status as an amateur.

If someone would being to pay me for funny then would have to being competing at a professional level. I would not be able to compete in the Olympics or county fairs. My funny would have to be confined to paying events.

2. If someone was injured due to my joke being too funny I could be held liable.

Say I am at a swanky dinner party. I have just skewered the host with a witty remark. His aunt laughs right as she has her mouth around a cracker with caviar and starts to choke. She goes to the hospital and suffers injury. Guess who they would want to sue? That’s right the professional comedian. As a professional I should be able know when it was safe to tell a joke. Auntie would want a big fat check from me! As an amateur, I am just a funny guy and all she would get is an apology and a funny story to tell at the next party.

3. I would be expected to be funny all the time.

I bet Seinfeld gets hassled all the time in airports or on buses for jokes. Who needs that kind of pressure to be “on” constantly? Right now, if I am having a bad day, I can be grumpy all I want and nobody really cares. Well as a professional comedian if you have case of the Mondays the tabloids will be talking about you being on drugs or something. If you go to a funeral then guess what, they would want you to stand up and say something funny about poor dead Uncle Joe.

4. I can serve comedy fresh.

My jokes usually work in the spur of the moment. The spontaneity is what I live for. It gets gets the blood flowing and the heart pumping. It is such a rush to just drop a joke on someone as it pops into your head. Well, not so if you are a professional. You have to spend hours writing and crafting your funny. People are expecting your best all the time. They pay you good money for funny and by God, they don’t want nothing just off the cuff. Even if you do drop some spontaneous funny it will not be appreciated. “Is that part of your act?” they would ask.

I could go on and on about how much being a professional comedian would stink. Sure some of those guys make lots of money, have legions of adoring fans, make movies and star in television shows, but I can tell they would trade it all away just to be able to say, “How’s the weather up there?” to some tall guy they bump into on the street.

Nope, I wouldn’t trade my freedom of funny for all the sitcom roles in the world. So never fear and enjoy all my funny for free.

(If anyone would seriously like to pay me to be a comedian please send an email for my pay pal account. I also accept personal check and cold hard cash._

IMAO Award

I am a big fan of the site IMAO. They are sorta the inspiration to motivate me to start my own blog (after all if Frank J. could do it I should be able to.)

A while back they put out a call to honor their site with numerous and meaningless awards. So I obliged them and sent in this:

In return for my benevolence they sent me this award:

So today, in honor of my move to Word Press I have decided to give them another award for their consistent dedication to awesome:

Good job guys and thank you for teh funny!

10 Trivial Things

Here is a list of 10 trivial things that most people do not know about me. Just about everyone of them has an interesting story behind it. This information doesn’t really do much to edify or funny up the blog, just something to give you all some thought.

1. I never went to Kindergarten.
2. I was not legally an adult when I joined the Marines.
3. I always wanted to host my own late night TV talk show.
4. I once broke the windshield of my car by punching it.
5. I know the lyrics to both the opening and the ending of the Beverly Hillbillies and Gilligan’s Island.
6. I have mild anxiety about talking on the telephone.
7. My biggest fear is to be paralyzed from the neck down.
8. As a teenager I almost died.
9. I wanted to set a world record for having the largest collection of unique business cards.
10. The strangest thing I have ever eating was squid tentacle on a stick.

A Few Hours With Liam

I was able to take the time today and just spend a few hours with my oldest son, Liam. For those that do not know I have been blessed with three boys who I will write about at various times on this blog. Liam is 7 years old and I seem to identify with him the most as he reminds me a lot of myself at that age. I am lucky that I do get to spend a fair amount of time with my children but it is very hard to spend quality, one on one time with each of them.

Like a lot of families in this country we have gone through some financial hardships recently. I was involved in a failed business venture that completely wiped us out and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future. All of this was happen at the time that Liam was nearing that age where he is really starting to understand a lot of those things that parents don’t want their children to pick up on. I was really getting upset because along with dealing with my failure as a businessman I had to deal with all the hopes I had for my family and the promises I made them vanish. Every time my boys would ask me for a toy or some special snack of food they liked, but could no longer provide, I took it as just another little cut at my abilities.  Even though a few months have passed and things are a bit better and I have a much deeper perspective, it still can hurt a bit.

After several months both my wife and I have found work. For the first time in Liam’s life his mother has to work and not be there for him and his brothers. As much as I hated it she had to work now too, even then our combined income together only is about two-thirds of what I made alone before. It is hard for our little boys to understand sometimes but Liam is at that age where he is starting to get it, and that can hurt you even more.

However today I was able to spend about 3 hours with Liam, just me and him. My wife took advantage of the holiday today to go into work and earn a few hours of holiday overtime. We only have one vehicle so I drove her all the way to work. Since it is about a 45 minute drive I told her I would just hang around the area instead of driving all the way back home, just to turn around and pick her up later and waste all that gas. My mother (who lives with us) was going to watch our boys, but Liam asked if he could come with us. The other two did not want to come (because the drive is boring) so I said it was OK. We got there my wife went inside and we took a short trip down the road to Wal-Mart.

We walked around the store for a bit. Liam just talking away. I don’t remember half the things he said, but he was full of insights and plans. He wants to learn how to skateboard, he wants the new Nerf gun that just came out, and on and on. We looked at the toys and all the stuff in electronics. We looked at all the “man stuff” in the store. We went over to the grocery section so he could pick out the snack chips that we would have with our hamburgers for dinner that night when we got home. We left the store and went over to Game Stop and looked at all the video games. He played with the Wii while I played with the PS3. He would show me something cool and then congratulate me when I would do something cool.

We left the store and headed back over to where my wife and I work. We still had a couple of hours so he helped me clean out our van. He had to go to the restroom so I took him inside the building. He was worried that security would not let him in because he did not have a badge like his dad. I assured him he would be alright since he was with me. My 7 year old, who doesn’t like to hold hands with his dad because he is a big boy now, held my hand as we walked by the security desk just so that they knew he was with me.

When we finished inside and left the building he wanted to play in the sand of the volleyball court we have on the property. He did that until he got bored. So we took a walk around the exercise trail, talked about the dragon flies and the ducks we saw. He was telling me about all the stuff he wanted to do when he grew up. He worried about his loose tooth that he has. We picked up some lava rocks that is used in the landscaping because they looked like space rocks to him to take to his brothers.

My wife finished work and came out to us. We got back into the van and headed for home. We stopped at the 7-11 for some drinks and a snack and Liam told her about all what we did. As traveled down the road he told us that it had been his best day ever.

It is in those moments that God truly speaks to me. It is that type of love that my oldest son shows to me, even though he understands that daddy isn’t perfect and sometimes the promises I make, I break. Yet he trades all of that for just a few hours of my undivided attention. A few hours that he doesn’t have to share with his brothers, his mother or his grandmother. For a few hours today it was just Liam and his daddy. If someone had offered to undo all the mistakes I made over the past year in exchange for the memory of those few hours today I would be tempted for a few fleeting moments to say yes just so I could erase the shame I feel from my failures, but I know that I would say no. I was the most important thing in Liam’s world and I know he would not even be tempted to trade it.

Thank you God for those short hours.