Insert Metaphor Here _________

A man brings his pet monkey into the vet. The monkey had received a serious injury to its tail. The vet examined the monkey and sadly shook his head. “I am afraid we are going to have to amputate the tail.”

The owner, with tears in his eyes, authorized the vet to amputate the tail. The vet’s assistant took the monkey into the back and prepped it for surgery. The owner went to the lobby and sat down.

While waiting in the lobby the man hears a loud shout and a horrific screech, then silence. A moment later more shouting and shrieking then more silence. Then again louder shrieking and more shouting. The man could not stand it. He got up and barged his way into the operating room.

The sight that greeted him was horrific. There was blood everywhere. The vet was panting heavily and covered with scratches. His beloved monkey as huddled on top of a cabinet in fright and obviously bleeding to death.

“What on earth is going on! What have you done to my monkey! This is not how you treat an animal!”, the now distraught owner yelled at the vet.

The vet assumed a very superior air and addressed the angry man.

“You obviously know nothing about the veterinary sciences. Cutting a tail off of a monkey is a very painful and traumatic procedure. If you just lop it off you can cause severe harm to the monkey. So I elected to just cut off the tail an inch at a time until the full amputation is complete.”

So please feel free to insert whatever metaphor you wish in the comments below.

Looking to 2016 and my place in it.

I have been thinking a lot about the future. Right now I have a job, but I am looking for a second one. However I have to have a goal beyond just wanting a job.

My favorite website is IMAO. It’s founder Frank J (blogger, twitterer, author, and raconteur) has put his hat in the ring for President in 2016. His basic philosophy is that Presidents should have awesome power but do absolutely nothing with it. Also he believes that the United States should be defended by Dinosaurs with imbedded rocket launchers and we have the science to accomplish it. So over all he is the perfect leader.

Well I want in on this. Now most fawning sycophants would try and butter Frank J. up for either a Vice President slot or even a cabinet position. Those that would try and do that will not understand what a Frank J. presidency is all about. So I want to throw my hat in the ring that in a Frank J. administration I want to be the United States Ambassador to the United Nations.

I would be an excellent Ambassador. I understand fully what the function and purpose of the United Nations is and will do everything I can as the representative of the greatest nation on the planet to make sure the UN stays on mission. What is that mission? We it is basically a forum where nations of the world can ineffectively shake their fists at us and call us names without really doing harm to our goals and agendas. They get to complain and feel good that they got all snotty with us and we didn’t strike them down with our Olympian like powers. However, previous and present Presidents and Ambassadors have allowed the UN to actually accomplish things that harm our country. I will set things right.

How can I accomplish that? Well it is simple and let me give you some examples.

1.       The Kinison Doctrine

Whenever a country starts chastising us and telling us how to run our stuff I will simply invoke the ultimate trump card of our awesomeness.

“So you think the United States should not do X and that country X is has some sort of moral equivalency to us? I tell you what, you think your country is the bees knees, well (cue power point image of the moon) there is the moon, go up there and bring our flag back! Oh and since we already did the hard work of figuring out how to get there and back in the Dark Ages of the 1960’s and I am sure your backward country has stolen that info we are going to up the difficulty level a bit. Once you launch your rocket to the moon we are going to shoot missiles at it. If for some reason we miss and you survive the trip to the moon and back we will shoot missiles at the return vehicle. If you survive that and have your astronaut march in here with our flag the US will proclaim you awesome and listen to what you have to say. If you can’t do that then sit down and shut up!”

2.       Opposite Day Every Day

Did you know that the every permanent member of the UN Security Council  (US, Britian, Russia, France and China) has veto power. Yes, that means that if one of those countries vote’s NO on an issue no matter how many vote yes then it does not pass. So my plan is that anything that Russia, France or China votes YES on then I will automatically vote NO. Typically smart things that the US votes for one of those three vote NO on just to be jerks. I really don’t care if it is a good idea or not, the UN is not about good ideas, I am going to vote opposite of anyone one of those three countries.

“So we are voting to ban the use of landmines because goats keep blowing themselves up. Ok what did France vote on that? Yes? Ok then my vote is NO. Everyone keeps their landmines.”

Simple.

3.       Move the UN out of New York

We were pretty generous when we set up the UN with some prime New York real estate and basically pay for them to live there. They have perfectly good facilities in Geneva and since they can’t stand America or Americans then close up shop in NY and go back. My wife loves chocolate anyway and would love getting some good Swiss Chocolate. So my plan is to ask for President Frank for a couple hundred U-Haul trucks and park them outside of the UN. Let them know that we have stopped paying the light bill and they have until the end of the day to get all their crap out of the building because by tomorrow morning the entire place will be an Indian Casino and I plan on watching a Jeff Dunham show there by the following evening. Achmed cracks me up.

4.       Foreign Aid to be determined by Wipeout.

You know that show where contestants run a wacky obstacle course and bounce off those huge inflatable balls and fall into cold water for a shot at $50,000 bucks? Well imagine what some country’s ambassador would do for a shot at one billion dollars! If you want money from us you have to jump through some hoops and entertain us in the process. The winner gets the Aid package as well as having to sign a document stating how awesome American is and how crappy their country is to have to come a beg us for money. The document will be written in English and whatever language they speak so there will be none of that “Well I said America is Awesome in English, but America is Sucky in my native tongue” nonsense. We have caught onto that trick and will stop pretending we know about it. So you want to beg money from us, no more acting like you deserve the money.

 

So there it is., my application for Ambassador to the UN in the Frank J. Administration. Worthy of a place at the John Bolton Institute of International Diplomacy.

 

Frank J. 2016: Nuke the Moon!

Did Social Issues Defeat Romney?

The election is now over and the institutional scab picking now begins. The consensus that is coming out of the media is that the Republicans lost the election because of their focus on social issues. Being against abortion, gay marriage and evolution was the nail in the coffin. This idea is not just coming from the finger wagers on the left who are more than happy to equate the Republican views on social issues (and those that hold them) with knuckle dragging Neanderthals, but from some folks on the right as well.  One of my favorite talks show hosts, Neal Boortz, almost daily nails home the idea that a mindless obsession with abortion cost the election. He shares this idea with one of my favorite folks on the left, Wil Wheaton, who seems to make almost every other one of his Tumblr posts about this issue.

However, I disagree that it was the social ideas of either party that won or lost this election. Social issues were a smokescreen to cover the true reason for the outcome of this election. The election was about getting free stuff. All this social issue stuff was just the cover to make someone feel noble. Saying you voted for Obama because you wanted to stand up for the rights of women, gays or minorities makes you feel better about voting because you wanted free stuff. Republicans were offering some free stuff but not nearly what the Democratic Party was. When you have someone saying that they are not going to pay for your stuff verses someone who says they will pay for your stuff no matter what (and don’t worry about how we are going to pay for it) you can’t beat that.

Some of you may be saying, “Derek, you are wrong. The Republicans hate women and gays and blacks and the poor. They wanted to take away their rights and steal their money to fund wars. I care about the debt and the economy but someone needs to help those people. So I voted on the social issues to help them.” My answer to that is, “Liar.”

You see there was a party out there, The Libertarian Party, that promised nearly all the same things that Democrats claim to support socially. They are for abortion, gay marriage, legalizing drugs and for pulling out of all these wars and never going into another one unless we are attacked. The Libertarian Party received less than 1% of the vote. They promised all the social issues that the Democrats claim to care so passionately about, with the notable exception that you still have to be fiscally responsible. You didn’t vote for them because even though they said you can have all the drugs, abortion or gay marriage you want you just have to pay for them yourselves. They were rejected in droves. They didn’t offer the free stuff and that was the only difference between them and the Democrats.

That is the problem. If all those that tell me that you voted Democrat because of the social issues really believed that we also need to fix our national debt and huge budget deficits you would have voted Libertarian. However, since the Democrats promised the social issue jackpot as well as promising to do nothing substantial about our debt while promising to keep checks going out to everyone on the government life support system, you voted for that. Social issues are a fine thing, and we can debate them all we want, but if we collapse as a country because of debt we will not be around to discuss them.

So there it is. You can’t vote against the guy giving free stuff. As I saw one of my Democratic friends say, “Don’t vote against your own self interest.” So here is my advice to the Republican Party, give up. If you have enough money and can do it then go ahead and pull a John Galt and take the ball and go home. Get out now before you are drained dry. Now to all the others that cannot do that I suggest you do what I call a Reverse-Galt. There is still some borrowed money left in the system, so latch on and suck out as much as you can and squirrel it away. Crash the system so we can start over before they can mold it into a system that only keeps the body politic alive but brain dead and we cannot escape it.

That way it will be hard to promise free stuff when there is no stuff left to be free.

My Ad for Moore-Simmons Act

Since my main theory is nobody pays attention to anything you say on the internet unless you can put it in a picture with witty comments I have come up with one to support the Moore-Simmons Act. For those who remember my proposal is that Congress give one of President Obama’s ideas a try and raise taxes on the rich. However he needs to prove that the strategy of raising taxes on the rich will not ultimately harm the economy, so I suggest that he start with the Entertainment Industry. Raise the rate of the millionairs and billionairs who make over $250,000 a year that work in movies, television and music as well as any group that profits from them, to 75%. That way if it doesn’t ruin the industry then it would be ok to roll it out to others and if it destroys the industry then we really haven’t lost anything.

So I named the Act for two of the greatest champions of the poor and downtrodden we have known, Michael Moore and Russell Simmons. It is hard to argue against raising taxes on the rich when you have two men that waste their wealth on gold toilets and stuffing his gullet say that they are willing to pay more, but only if the government forces them to. Feel free to borrow this ad and pass it around.

A Proposal to Congress

This is a copy of a letter that I am going to send to members of the Congress from the State of Florida. I am in the process of searching out their email addresses to do so (it is much harder than you think to get this information) as well as sending a copy to all the major news networks, prominent radio shows and blog sites. I just wanted to give you all a first look at it. It is time we all come together and support the President, but to do so in a small way that will prove beyond a doubt that one of his most controversial idea could work.

To: The Florida Congressional Delegation of 2012

Dear Senators and Representatives,

Now that our very contentious election is behind us and President Obama has won a second term in office I believe that it is time to put partisanship behind us and find ways to work with each other. This will mean having to do what most of you consider to be political suicide, but in order for our nation to remain a great one we will have to do it. You will have to compromise and give both sides some of what they want.

I have always been one that wants to offer solutions instead of contributing to the problem. To that end I believe that we need to embrace one of the President’s proposals and generate much needed revenue for our nation. It is time that we tax the Millionaires and Billionaires (those that make over $250,000 a year). However a vast number of Americans do not believe that this approach will work so we must ask a sub group of the Millionaires and Billionaires to step up and be a test so show this nation that it will work. This way we can test the idea that raising much needed revenue can be achieved through this method without harming our economic engines in the process.

I call this the Moore-Simmons Act (named after two great champions of the underprivileged and members of the M&B subgroup this act will target Michael Moore and Russell Simmons). This Act will raise the income tax rate on those in the entertainment industry who make over $250,000 a year to a modest 75%. This would apply to anyone who performs in movies, television, radio, plays, or concerts and associated functions that draw income from the industry (i.e. agents, producers, directors, etc). There is a vast pool of citizens who get in front of a camera that make vast amounts of money that they should be paying a higher rate. Anyone, from Oscar award winning actors to newscasters to reality TV stars, to musicians playing sold out concerts and the thousands more who benefit directly from their labors would be included. They can afford it.

Also in the Moore-Simmons Act we could tax any production that outsources its work overseas just to avoid Federal and State taxes. Did you know that many of our movies and television shows that depict their stories being set in American cities are actually shot in Canada, New Zealand or Australia to get around tax and union rules? That is a travesty that must be answered and this Act will do it. Also we can require that all productions of movies, television, radio and even news broadcast would be required to utilize union labor no matter where in the world it is produced. Those hard working men and women deserve work and employment and it is shoddy for the Big Corporations that produce them to move them out of the country to avoid giving them much needed work.

Now I know that some of you may claim that raising taxes this much would be unfair and end up destroying the Entertainment Industry. I do not think it would do so. Many in this industry have publically stated that they would love to have the government raise their taxes and have publicly supported our President in his attempts to do so.  I am sure that with their open and public platforms many would support this and produce tweets and You Tube videos in support. If it works and we can show the American people that you can raise taxes this much on Millionaires and Billionaires without destroying the Entertainment Industry then we can spread it to other sectors of the public as well. If it turns out to be a disaster and destroy the livelihoods of thousands of people it will be OK because out of all the economic engines in our country the Entertainment one produces the least for the amount of money they earn and also there are scores of young men and women in this country that would be willing to star in the next Hollywood film for far less money than Tom Hanks or Gwyneth Paltrow will accept, or cut a hit record for less money than Madonna or Jay-Z.

This may also help artist because if they have to pay a higher tax rate then they will have to make more money to pay it and live the life they are accustomed to (one that many of us in the 99% could never afford) they would actually start putting out movies, television shows and music that people would actually enjoy partaking in, instead of the steady stream of mediocrity that they produce now.

So, I urge each and every one of you to create and pass the Moore-Simmons Act for the good of our country. It is time that we work together and at least test to see if some of the President’s ideas will work for our country. I know that this may not be done before January but for those of you that are still in congress you can work on this now. For those that lost their elections and will be departing I thank you for your service and ask that you forward this to the incoming member that will be taking your place in a show of bipartisanship.

Please consider this. It will help heal our country and make us strong again. It will be a test of a greater idea and those immediately affected by it will surely not mind since they have more than they need and have stated their willingness to give.

Sincerely,

Derek Collins

Jacksonville, FL

Further contact information available upon request.

P.S. In addition to your esteemed selves I will be forwarding a copy of this letter to all the major news networks as well as several prominent radio host and blog sites to help build popular bipartisan support.

In Principle

Well the election is tomorrow and this will be the last thing you see me post anything political until after the results on Tuesday. There have been a lot of topics and discussion on it and to me the election boils down to two choices.

1. Do we believe in the responsibility of the individual.

2. Do we believe in the responsibility of the collective.

You see I believe in a limited government that sticks to the roles laid out for it in the Constitution of the United States. I believe that charity should flow from the individual to those in need instead of forced by the government.  I am wary and suspicious of anyone who thinks that government is the answer to our problems and should act as the great equalizer and righter of wrongs. One of my favorite quotes from an awesome book by Frank Herbert illustrates this point.

  In my estimation, more misery has been created by reformers than by any other force in human history. Show me someone who says, “Something must be done!” and I will show you a head full of vicious intentions that have no other outlet. What we must strive for always! is to find the natural flow and go with it.- Heretics of Dune

It comes down to forced control in the name of the greater good. I am amazed at how the very same people that want government to stay out of their bedrooms want government to regulate their kitchens. I fear those that want government to provide the basics of life and do not understand the price that must be paid for them. Yes there are some good things in Obamacare and there are people that will be helped by it, but does the short term benefit outweigh the long term cost? Does free healthcare now when it is abundant worth the price that necessary rationing of it when supply is low will create? Have we become just short sighted animals that are only concerned with the next meal or rut session instead of long term longevity? There are those that tell me that Free Government Medical care will works. Somehow that same government that gave us FEMA and the TSA, that gave bailouts to banks that used the money to pay bonuses to the folks that ran the banks into the ground, that backed companies that immediately took the money and filed for bankruptcy, will do a better job of administering the industry at literally has our life in their hands will somehow do a better job of it.

I am amazed at how I am told that the religious among us want to force morality on the masses yet assure me that government legislating morality for the masses is a good thing. The religious maxims of feed the poor and help the needy are evil yet EBT and Section 8 are good things.

Legendary comic book artist Steve Ditko, who was famous for drawing Spider-Man, Doctor Strange, The Question and a few other great characters) wrote and drew a 4 page comic called “In Principle” where he illustrates that folly of letting government (or any other group with unchecked power) decides to help someone.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these images and am not profiting from them whatsoever.

 

 

You see government enforced charity isn’t charity at all. It is ultimately the death sentence of freedom.

So when you vote tomorrow understand that you are voting for either individual responsibility for yourself and the perils that come with it or the collective responsibility and the perils that come with that. Remember that there was a time in this country where there was a group of people, that by law, had to have basic shelter, food, clothing and medical care provided for them no more and no less. They were called slaves.

Vote for freedom.

Getting Attention to Unimportant Stuff Using Meme!!

What I have been noticing is that nothing seems important anymore unless you put it out there in a meme. For those that don’t know what a meme is it is basically where you take a picture and attach a witty snippet to it and then others take the same picture and put their own spin on it.

In this political season I am starting to get the suspicion that folks have photos pre-staged and wait until a candidate says something to release them. What I have discovered is this does two things.

1. It reduces peoples knowledge of a particular subject to bumper sticker thickness.

2. It allows people to say some of the dumbest and cruelest things about other human beings but be ok because it is funny.

Well recently on Facebook I have been trying to post some serious stuff, but it doesn’t seem to generate much interest. I am by nature a funny guy and when I try to be serious it tends to not get noticed. Then I realized my problem is I would just post in text and nobody has time to read text and think about it so I came up with the idea to post my stuff in meme form. The best meme to use is anything with cute animals.

Here is one I posted about our country’s deficits:

 

See the cuteness of the kitten softens the blow of the crippling debt we are facing thanks to the current administration.

Here is one showing a recent look at what the victims of Hurricane Sandy are having to endure:

 

Again the juxtaposition of the horrors of human beings trying to survive by searching grocery store dumpsters is offset by the cuteness of puppies wondering why they would get in trouble for digging through the trash but humans will not.

Here is something I expect the Occupy crowd to pick up and run with. A little current event of the creator and destroyer of Star Wars, George Lucas and his recent good move to sell his company to the Walt Disney Corp.:

 

See the cute kitten is reacting to the blatant hypocrisy of Lucas.

So if you want to be heard and people to pay attention to what you say, just put it in a snappy meme. Include pictures of baby animals, cute kids making funny faces, and any other number of creative things you can find on the internets. Slap them together, up load them to Facebook, Twitter or Pinterest and then snark away!

Who knows you may be the next meme hit and one step away from moving on to more advanced viral YouTube videos.