I have been thinking a lot about the future. Right now I have a job, but I am looking for a second one. However I have to have a goal beyond just wanting a job.
My favorite website is IMAO. It’s founder Frank J (blogger, twitterer, author, and raconteur) has put his hat in the ring for President in 2016. His basic philosophy is that Presidents should have awesome power but do absolutely nothing with it. Also he believes that the United States should be defended by Dinosaurs with imbedded rocket launchers and we have the science to accomplish it. So over all he is the perfect leader.
Well I want in on this. Now most fawning sycophants would try and butter Frank J. up for either a Vice President slot or even a cabinet position. Those that would try and do that will not understand what a Frank J. presidency is all about. So I want to throw my hat in the ring that in a Frank J. administration I want to be the United States Ambassador to the United Nations.
I would be an excellent Ambassador. I understand fully what the function and purpose of the United Nations is and will do everything I can as the representative of the greatest nation on the planet to make sure the UN stays on mission. What is that mission? We it is basically a forum where nations of the world can ineffectively shake their fists at us and call us names without really doing harm to our goals and agendas. They get to complain and feel good that they got all snotty with us and we didn’t strike them down with our Olympian like powers. However, previous and present Presidents and Ambassadors have allowed the UN to actually accomplish things that harm our country. I will set things right.
How can I accomplish that? Well it is simple and let me give you some examples.
1. The Kinison Doctrine
Whenever a country starts chastising us and telling us how to run our stuff I will simply invoke the ultimate trump card of our awesomeness.
“So you think the United States should not do X and that country X is has some sort of moral equivalency to us? I tell you what, you think your country is the bees knees, well (cue power point image of the moon) there is the moon, go up there and bring our flag back! Oh and since we already did the hard work of figuring out how to get there and back in the Dark Ages of the 1960’s and I am sure your backward country has stolen that info we are going to up the difficulty level a bit. Once you launch your rocket to the moon we are going to shoot missiles at it. If for some reason we miss and you survive the trip to the moon and back we will shoot missiles at the return vehicle. If you survive that and have your astronaut march in here with our flag the US will proclaim you awesome and listen to what you have to say. If you can’t do that then sit down and shut up!”
2. Opposite Day Every Day
Did you know that the every permanent member of the UN Security Council (US, Britian, Russia, France and China) has veto power. Yes, that means that if one of those countries vote’s NO on an issue no matter how many vote yes then it does not pass. So my plan is that anything that Russia, France or China votes YES on then I will automatically vote NO. Typically smart things that the US votes for one of those three vote NO on just to be jerks. I really don’t care if it is a good idea or not, the UN is not about good ideas, I am going to vote opposite of anyone one of those three countries.
“So we are voting to ban the use of landmines because goats keep blowing themselves up. Ok what did France vote on that? Yes? Ok then my vote is NO. Everyone keeps their landmines.”
3. Move the UN out of New York
We were pretty generous when we set up the UN with some prime New York real estate and basically pay for them to live there. They have perfectly good facilities in Geneva and since they can’t stand America or Americans then close up shop in NY and go back. My wife loves chocolate anyway and would love getting some good Swiss Chocolate. So my plan is to ask for President Frank for a couple hundred U-Haul trucks and park them outside of the UN. Let them know that we have stopped paying the light bill and they have until the end of the day to get all their crap out of the building because by tomorrow morning the entire place will be an Indian Casino and I plan on watching a Jeff Dunham show there by the following evening. Achmed cracks me up.
4. Foreign Aid to be determined by Wipeout.
You know that show where contestants run a wacky obstacle course and bounce off those huge inflatable balls and fall into cold water for a shot at $50,000 bucks? Well imagine what some country’s ambassador would do for a shot at one billion dollars! If you want money from us you have to jump through some hoops and entertain us in the process. The winner gets the Aid package as well as having to sign a document stating how awesome American is and how crappy their country is to have to come a beg us for money. The document will be written in English and whatever language they speak so there will be none of that “Well I said America is Awesome in English, but America is Sucky in my native tongue” nonsense. We have caught onto that trick and will stop pretending we know about it. So you want to beg money from us, no more acting like you deserve the money.
So there it is., my application for Ambassador to the UN in the Frank J. Administration. Worthy of a place at the John Bolton Institute of International Diplomacy.
Frank J. 2016: Nuke the Moon!